It was a virus that felt insignificant — some mysterious phenomenon far, far away from me. Initially coined as the “Wuhan Virus”, I barely bothered acknowledging it. To prevent getting “stir crazy” (a term used in the game “Sims” for when the avatars get frustrated from lacking social interaction), two of my friends and I decided to quarantine together for a whole month and a half. Most of our days consisted of cooking, sunbathing, and drinks. We gradually started having one or two friends over per week, hosting mini dinner parties. The extent of this lifestyle was allowed by myself not having entered university yet, with hour-long Japanese classes twice a week. However, best friends can only have so much patience for eachother — tension heated up towards the end. All in all, it was great — not having any responsibilities and all.
The magical period of carefree partying on the daily came to an end. I opened the door to my bedroom, absorbing a long gaze of all the paintings, photographs, and clothing archives — colors of a vomiting unicorn. It was overwhelming. Since I hit my teens, I had divided myself into “edgy Becky” and “Basic Becky”. The alternation would occur due to which environment I would be in. Depression made me fall off the map in 2017, and my art was all I had. I had spent two years working on my art and portfolio only to have to cancel my flight to go to my dream school in the U.K. Coming back into my own colorful room forced me out of “basic Becky” who only wanted to party, I was not ready to be honest with myself in terms of what I’m doing with my life. I spiraled and wanted to shut off again.
Jakarta transitioned out of lockdown to the “new normal”. Cafes and bars had opened up shop again. Everyone was ecstatic! We could all finally enjoy our favorite foods and absorb the ambiance of live music! I got to meet friends outside of my intimate circle of five! It was all very exciting until the “new normal” became overly normalized. It just so happens that it was during this period of time that I started working again after 2 years. Accepting gigs for makeup, styling, direction, and YoutTube video production. Whether for work or leisure, I was expected to show up places. Business meetings were no longer virtual, meeting up with friends from different scenes had become a daily thing. Everyone considered our relationship to be “intimate” enough, which bled into the comfortability of ignoring the protocols. I felt guilty coming home every night, with the fear of being a carrier considering I live with my mother. With that considered, my fear of missing out on opportunities won over.
Honestly, I have recognized that my online presence sets this image of a very confident, outgoing, ambitious young lady. But I’m very scared — easily getting swayed. I hope to tread into 2021 with honesty and balance at my heart’s core.